I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
