Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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