Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
