you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
