I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
