he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
