Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
