my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
