Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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