The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
