you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
