Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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