also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
