Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
