i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
