my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
