I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
