I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize