I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
