omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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