I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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