I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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