Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
