I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
