You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
