So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
