I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize