I cannot find my penis.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
