She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
