i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
