Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
