WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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