My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
