remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
