It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
