Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
