Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
