people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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