you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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