I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
