OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
