We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
