We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
