I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
me + whiskey = a bad person
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
