I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
