toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
As shirtless as possible
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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