god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
