Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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