I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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