So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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