Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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