Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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