Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
