id be glad to
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
