Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
