i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
