If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
