I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
