This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I want her autograph on my taint
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
