I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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