Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
