Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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