And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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