The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
