Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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