I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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