I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
