remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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