I just pynch a tree in the face
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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