Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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